Lack of interenet

I haven't posted in a couple of days- I've been busy moving houses and have absolutely no internet! I'm over at the parents house so that I can check my email and post a new blog! I have work in just a bit, so this might be a quick post!

That being said! E is doing great! She's been feeling better, her hernia is much smaller and it looks like she won't have to have surgery after all. She's working on learning to roll! How exciting! Her uncle E2 is learning to crawl! Together they're trouble! Soon they'll be walking and talking and i'm not sure i'm ready for that sort of craziness! Oh well! It's happening one way or another!

Well- for now until internet exists!
bye!

Another day.

Today has been a rough day. Worked early this morning and am moving to a different house. I have two days to pack a house and move it into a different one. So here I am- laying on my floor with my laptop next to me. E is asleep finally in the porta-crib. She has been a handful today :) She refused to take a nap so it was a die-hard day trying to get her to go to sleep, it happens though. Babies get overly-tired and there is nothing you can do except love them and hope that they finally get the rest that they need.

I felt really down today- I know that I struggle a lot with how to react with A. I know that he tries; I just have high expectations for him. I know that he wants to have a relationship with E, I just can't find the trust to let him in and be close to her. I want her to know A, I want her to be able to have a relationship with him. I want her to be able to recognize him when he comes around, the problem is...he rarely does. I think the problem I struggle with most with A is that if the roles were reversed I know the effort I would be putting in, and it just isn't apparent with him. I know he is capable of meeting the standards I have set, he just doesn't. ugh. Enough about that.

Thank goodness I have the day off tomorrow, I need this weekend to unpack and get myself situated. I wish that I had time to rest and relax but it just never seems to work out. I love being a single mom, don't get me wrong; there is nothing better than getting to say that I am the one to experience her firsts and I don't have to share that with anyone. Sometimes though, I wish I had someone here to help carry the weight. It gets hard being the one that wakes up with E, and having to figure out a good time to shower. Things change once you have a baby- people forget to mention that all too often. There is no such thing as down time anymore. I realize that E is my first priority and I come second now. I am perfect for somebody.  Oh well. I know somewhere in this world my perfect someone exists. I just have to wait for him to come around.  One day it will happen. I just need to be patient.

Ahhh patience. Such a hard thing to accomplish. I am constantly finding myself frustrated with how things are going. Whether it is at work or with my family, I am really trying to be loving and understanding and PATIENT. It's just hard.

Random side note- I really want this tattoo done :)

Well enough ranting. I need rest. Tomorrow is another long day. Lots of moving to do. Hopefully E transitions well to the new house. I know how hard it is on her to be uprooted from familiar surroundings. Goodnight world.

The first of many.

Hello World.
I've been inspired to start a blog. I don't know that anybody will ever see this, let alone care; but at the moment that's okay with me. My friend I showed me her blog and instantly I was blown away- she has the ability to write whatever she pleases and doesn't have to worry about the word vomit that ends up on her pages. I've been drawn to that. So here goes nothing blogger.

First and foremost- To M. Sometimes I think you forget that I am my own person. I breathe my own air, and have my own body. I love you, and listen to you and am inspired by you. However- at times you need to let me think and decide for myself. I know you're involved in my life, and that you care for me deeply, but sometimes you have to let the bird try to fly on it's own. Yes, of course they are going to fall and you can run in to help them get back up but you can't tell it to never fly again so that it doesn't get hurt. Birds fly, that's their nature. I am the parent of a beautiful child- and I love that you are involved in that, but the decisions that I make are mine. You do not get to overstep them, or tell me what decisions to make in the first place. That being said- I love you. You are one of the best people that I know. You are an inspiration, and you have always been there for me. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Second- To E. You are the light of my world. To be able to look at you and think- I was the one that held you for nine months in my womb. I was the one who looked at you and bawled the second you were born. I am the one that feeds you every time that you are hungry. I am the one that rocks you to bed at night. I am so thankful for every moment I get to spend with you. I am thankful for each and every moment I have with you. You are so innocent and beautiful. I hope that I will be the best mother I can for you. I'm already trying. You are the definition of purity; you haven't had the chance to experience this world of hurt, and I can only hope that you will be left unshaken as you grow up to the world around you. This place that we live in is hard- it's dark and sorrowful; but in it there is light. You are proof of that. One day you can look back on this blog and see all of the great things in life. I hope as you read this you will know the love I have for you. You are my everything. You are my happy.

Third- To A. It's hard to think about you. I have so many mixed feelings. I want you to be there, and yet I don't. Thank God for M. She is the only reason that I am able to work with you. Hopefully one day things will change, but until then I hope at least we can continue to look at the bigger picture.

Fourth- To I. I am so blown away by you. Thank you for the inspiration- Even if you have no idea that you inspired me. 

Good night world- It's late and avast I work in the morning!
Until tomorrow. Farewell.